


Bad Cheap Beer and Worse Decisions

by WTFAidaWTF (Aida)



Series: Not-So-Sweet and Innocent [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo feels like a pedophile, But isn't, Drunk Sex, M/M, inner turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:05:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/762771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/WTFAidaWTF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo was Kíli's babysitter, and also his uncle's ex. Sure, there wasn't a huge age gap between them, Kili was an adult (though he hardly ever acted like it), and they weren't actually related; but that didn't make what they were doing okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Cheap Beer and Worse Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> Another series idea that I've had. Because I like Kilbo (that's the name for this ship, right?), and I couldn't stop my fingers.
> 
> And because I'm a little cautious, if you think there are any triggers in here, please let me know so I can warn people. I didn't intend to have any, since I wasn't trying to imply that Bilbo had been lusting after wee!Kíli or anything like that. However, if you think there are, then post a comment or send a message or what have you. Or just post a comment if you liked it. :)

This was wrong.

So very, _very_ wrong.

Bilbo Baggins should be trying to stop this, he really should. But then Kili's rolling his hips and practically _mewling_ into his mouth, and all those thoughts were replaced with ‘Well, at least he’s not a kid, anymore’.

But, really, that shouldn’t matter. He's known Kili since he _was_ a kid, babysitting both him and his brother, Fili, since their mother didn’t trust anyone else, and he was _such_ good friends with Thorin. Thorin, their young uncle and his old boyfriend. Thorin, who’d wait until Bilbo made sure that the boys were asleep before pushing Bilbo onto the couch and ravishing him until his older sister got home. 

Thorin, who dumped him like yesterday’s trash before they finished university, since he was trying to get his political career going and couldn’t have that kind of baggage. 

Now Kili was all grown up, and Bilbo had been on-and-off with a couple of people (unfortunately, one of them was Thorin) ever since. Kili, who hugged him like an old friend when they met again during a huge family get together that Bilbo was, of course, invited to. Kili, who’d giggle and turn such a lovely hue of pink when Bilbo smiled up at him (yes, up, since the brat had grown like a weed). Kili, who dragged him away during a party thrown in Thorin’s honor since he finally got that seat in Senate. Kili, who pinned him to a wall and ravished him, and Bilbo was buzzed off of cheap beer, so he ravished right back.

It was only when they managed to get to where they were now, in Kili’s old room with the younger man grinding in his lap as he sought out Bilbo’s tonsils, that the thoughts came around. Because they shouldn’t be doing this. Bilbo will most certainly get killed if someone stumbled in on them, or if someone just found out period. Sure, Kili was a grown man in his twenties, and it wasn’t as if Bilbo was old enough to be Kili’s father (he was eleven when Kili was born), but that didn’t make it okay. They were practically family, as it was. Fili still liked to call him “Uncle Bilbo” just to be funny. 

Kili, apparently, thought of “Uncle Bilbo” very differently, if the bulge in his pants was anything to go by. 

Said younger man made that mewling sound again, and Bilbo’s head was empty of thoughts once more. His hands had ventured to Kili’s shapely bum, guiding his movements and causing him to pant. 

“You won’t believe…” Kili breathed desperately when they parted. “How long I’ve been dreaming of this-!”

‘Nope.’ Bilbo thought, yanking Kili back down for a kiss. ‘Bad train of thought, _bad train of thought_.’

Because he already felt like a dirty pedophile, and was still half-tempted to pull away and apologize. Say that it was a bad idea, and they should forget it. Blame it on the alcohol. He didn’t want to know that young, sweet Kili was probably using his old babysitter as wank fodder throughout puberty on top of it all.

But it really had been quite a long time, and Kili was young, but not too young. If anything, it was only going to be a one-time deal, and Bilbo would be able to wipe his conscious clean when it was all over. 

‘With my luck, he’s probably still a fucking _virgin_.’ One part of his brain warned.

‘Shut up.’ The other part said, and Bilbo finally managed to get Kili sprawled out underneath him on the bed. He was struck again, as he stared down at Kili (young little Kili who always wanted Uncle Bilbo to read to him) as he stared right back up with a dazed look in his brown eyes. 

‘He’s an adult,’ Bilbo thought as Kili pulled him down for another searing kiss. ‘He’s twenty-two-years-old, and if he wants to have a one-nighter with me, then it should be… awkward as hell and I’d never be able to look any of them in the face again-.’

“Stop thinking.” Kili hissed before nibbling on his earlobe. “And _fuck me_.”

Before Bilbo knew what was happening, he was the one sprawled on the bed as Kili spread himself atop of them. Somewhere along the line, they got rid of clothes. Somewhere along the line, Kili found a container of Vaseline. Now, Kili was wriggling on top of him, opening himself up with his fingers as he sucked on Bilbo’s tongue avidly to aid in clearing his old babysitter's mind. 

Sweet, innocent Kili. Kili, who’d love to play tag. Kili, who had grunted and bucked his hips against his a little. Kili, who would always send Bilbo home with a picture he drew himself. Kili, who was now sitting up and staring down at him with hungry eyes as he greased up his cock. 

‘Never again,’ Bilbo thought as Kili guided Bilbo inside of him, gritting his teeth all the way. ‘This won’t be happening again. Kili’s just young, drunk and horny. I’m just drunk and horny. We’re both just drunk and horny. After this, it’s all over.’

The whole affair was short, as was expected with two drunk and horny people (one being sweet, innocent- _stop_.). Bilbo was at least considerate, rubbing Kili’s cock as he bounced on his (has definitely done this- _no_ ), causing Kili to come first with a strained groan, spurting all over Bilbo’s belly as said man promptly grunted and came not even a second later. Kili collapsed on top of him, and they both tried to regain their breath.

‘I need to move,’ Bilbo thought as he tried to recover. ‘I need to get out of here and run before Fili, or Dis, or-.’

“Shush.” Kili murmured against his neck before kissing it. “Stay a while. No one comes up here anymore, anyway.”

“Then at least shift over a bit.” Bilbo grunted. “You aren’t exactly light as a feather.”

Kili snorted before wiggling over to press himself against Bilbo’s side, hissing as the movement caused said man’s cock to slip out of him. Afterwards, he nuzzled up again and wrapped Bilbo up in his arms, effectively pinning him down.

Bilbo closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. He’d wait until Kili fell asleep before slipping out of bed, getting dressed, and thinking of some way to make this all easier without Kili being too hurt. He’d cut contact for a while, maybe a week or two, or even a decade. It was hard to tell. 

One thing that wasn’t hard to tell was that he was never getting drunk again. At least not around Kili, if this even had a slight chance of happening again. Because once was bad enough. 

“Love you.” Yep, Bilbo was definitely cutting contact for at least a decade.

**Author's Note:**

> I also have a modern AU with Bilbo Baggins/Dwalin in the works (I think I basically ship Bilbo with almost every single dwarf and it might just be a problem). It'll definitely be more on the crack side. Why? You'll see.
> 
> Although, I've been wondering, what's the name for the Bilbo/Dwalin ship, anyway? Is it Dwaggins? I think it should be Dwaggins.


End file.
